The dream golf course for women — been there?

In honor of Global Women’s Golf Day, it’s the ultimate golf course for women, where Chippendales carry our golf bags and we can always find a restroom. Kathie Dyson has a few other ideas worth considering for Fairsex Valley.

Cartoon of golf course for womenEVER SINCE WOMEN got the vote in 1920, there’s been very little a woman isn’t allowed to do. Except maybe donate to a sperm bank or join certain golf clubs.

The precise number of classic old-boy, blue-blood, men’s-only golf clubs in the U.S. seems to be a secret, because, well, they’re PRIVATE! A club that receives no taxpayer money or subsidies can select its company any way it wants. We know the lineage required to join the Daughters of the American Revolution, but it’s a mystery penetrating places like Burning Tree Club in Bethesda, Md.; Bob O’Link in Highland Park, Ill.; and the most famous course without a PGA Tour event, Pine Valley in Clementon, N.J.

Burning Tree used to extend honorary memberships to Supreme Court justices, but at about the time 12 handicapper Sandra Day O’Connor was appointed to the bench in 1981, it, er, shifted its policy. Burning Tree doesn’t even allow women inside its clubhouse to use the restrooms. Guess that makes sense: There is no ladies restroom.

Admittedly, some male-only clubs have a softer side, like the Connecticut Golf Club, where women can play one day a week, or Bear Creek Golf Club in Denver where, as one of the pros said, “We aren’t closed-door. Wives and girlfriends can come out and have lunch. Really the only thing they [women] can’t do is play the golf course.” Now isn’t that sweet?

Sadly we know of only one women-only golf club and that’s The Ladies Golf Club of Toronto. For the record, it’s nearly 10 years older than Augusta National. So the time has come to climb off our creaky old soap boxes and do something smart: Bar the men from our very own Fairsex Valley Golf & Hunt Club.

FAIRSEX VALLEY GOLF & HUNT CLUB: THE PLAN

About that name: “Hunt” refers to the time women are allowed to look (or “hunt”) for a lost ball: As long as it takes. You just have to let others play through after three minutes.

Course designer: Alice Dye, who knows a thing or two about ladies golf and designing courses.

Women’s locker room: Large picture windows, fireplace, wet bar, light tan leather chairs, sauna, steam room, hairdryers, Lindt chocolates, fluffy robes and slippers, champagne service, Red Flower lotions and shampoos, private outdoor garden with Jacuzzi and chaises. Fitness room. (No men’s locker room; gents restroom off the lobby.)

Pro shop: 80 percent women’s apparel, accessories and equipment, 20 percent men (because women do like to shop for their men). Merchandise to include good values plus lots of bling, sandals, golf dresses trendy lines. Of course everything would be on sale.

Carts: Whisper-quiet electric with GPS, heated seats, club cleaners, ice compartment, shoe storage and a vase of flowers attached to the side like the old limos. Carts in pastels except for one bright yellow one that would be for the head of the golf committee to use for the year.

Tees: Three sets, each with benches (heated if in cold climate), flowers, yardage signs and ball washers.

On-site staff: Lady pros, manicurist, massage therapist, yogi, personal trainer. Also Chippendales (or Thunder Down Unders) male caddies wearing hot pink tights and black Spandex tees. Or not.

Beverage cart driver: Buff males wearing khaki shorts and tight T-shirt, or on nice days no T-shirt but with Fairsex tattoo.

At the turn: In addition to the usual fare, the snack bar would serve salads, wraps, smoothies, mojitos, bloodies and margaritas. In hot weather, Evian spritzers and cold towels would be offered; in cooler weather, hot Irish coffee with whipped cream.

Ladies restrooms: Installed in several strategic locations and stocked with ample supplies of soft toilet paper and tissues, scented towels, rich lotions, mouthwash, makeup mirror, hair spritzer and the usual ladies’ necessities.

19th Hole: The bar menu would consist of creative alternatives to fried food and melted cheese for calorie counters, plus fried food and melted cheese for those who require grease. Or maybe there could be two menus, naughty and nice.

FAIRSEX VALLEY G&HC LOCAL RULES

  • If your group falls more than two holes behind, you pick up and go into the clubhouse and order a margarita.
  • Counting beads are a no-no. If you can’t remember, it shouldn’t matter. If you forget, it’s OK to mark down whatever you want.
  • Setting fire to golf shoes, digging putters into greens, killing snakes or throwing clubs into ponds would require the offender to attend a therapy session.
  • Carrying more than three animal head covers or wearing an outfit that matches that of your companion warrants a two-stroke penalty.
  • Cell phones are perfectly acceptable as long as you keep your voice down when your partners are putting. Phone sex or playing “Words with Friends” is forbidden.
  • You can feel free to express your personality with any color ball as long as it’s white. If you see the group ahead is using Chromax or Day-Glo balls, you can play through.
  • Even if four tickets to the Masters are on the line, there is a limit as to how long you can line up your putt or look for your ball. When the sun starts to set, that’s it. Pick up and give up.

SPECIAL MEN’S RULES (if by chance any were invited to play)

  • They would have to play from the tee box designated for their handicap as indicated on the scorecard and tee marker. This means the guy with the 30-plus would tee off from the forward tee, no grumbling allowed.
  • Men would be penalized one stroke each time they gave unsolicited advice to the ladies: “Close up your face; put your left foot out a bit; stick out your butt” might play well in countries that require women to cover their faces, but not at Fairsex Valley.
  • Driving by their hostess’s tee in a cloud of dust before she has swung would incur a fine of one drink, preferably a double, payable on completion of play.
  • Any male blurting out rude or crude expletives would be subject to loss of hole or two strokes per statement, unless his hostess opts to blurt some right back.
  • Because some men seem unable to calculate more than double bogey, all would be told before start of play they must play out the hole and record the full and proper score.
  • No carping or sniveling allowed. Some men who want to play Golf Digest’s Top 100 courses before they keel over may never receive an invitation to Fairsex Valley, which is a lock to be one of the top 10. Male guests should count their blessings, and of course have their wallets handy at the 19th hole.

–Katharine Dyson

This article first appeared in the March 2012 edition of GottaGoGolf Magazine. Have you been to a course like this one? Please tell us, we’d love to go!

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