Birdie juice etiquette for today’s woman

You’ve chosen your birdie juice and funneled it into your flask. Now what?

Image of Birdie Juice graphic

The discerning woman golfer has armed herself with a golf bag full of pockets for all her necessities, which include, of course, birdie juice! With a little bit of help from this post on, here are a few tips on good birdie juice etiquette for “ladies” (or women, broads, gals, girls, chicks, dames, babes…whatever).

  1. Every golfer who carries her own putter should carry her own birdie juice. You are probably not going to get coronavirus by sipping from your pal’s flask, but why force her to deplete her precious tiny stash of hooch?
  2. If you have a regular foursome where one player is the designated birdie juice tender and carries a large flask, pack a stack of the throwaway shot glasses or salad dressing cups you can find at a dollar store. You can share these without touching them by holding the bottom and offering the top of the stack to others. (If you are too cheap to carry your own birdie juice, you can carry these cups and then hold one out to panhandle birdie juice from others. But please see tip No. 1.)
  3. If someone in your foursome has just made birdie at 8 a.m., do not be the Ms. Prissy who says, “It’s too early for birdie juice.” It’s never too early for birdie juice! You can cheer the birdie with your flask and then pretend to have a sip.

    Of course, if you do not drink alcohol, this is not the time to start. Say, ‘No thank you,’ and toast with your water bottle!

  4. If you are accepting a pour of you-do-not-know-what, politely ask what it is before you sip, spit and yell, “What IS this s—?” (Please see tip No. 3 about polite pretending.)
  5. If the birdie was yours and you’re having to share your precious birdie juice with the unprepared, offer it first to other “ladies” in your group and then to “gentlemen” before taking your own (BIG) swig.
  6. No gulping, noisy chugging, belching or lip smacking. But your mom already taught you that.
  7. Store your birdie juice in that insulated pocket of your golf bag. Unless it’s 20 degrees Fahrenheit outside, you do not want hot birdie juice. And if it’s 20 degrees out, you’re probably home sipping your birdie juice by the fire.

And, one more thing: Maybe your birdies are so few and far between that you’re worried your birdie juice could go bad? Not to worry. Alcohol endures. Besides, you can always celebrate the birdies of your playing partners or (when truly desperate for a sip) the people on the neighboring green.

Meanwhile, keep practicing! Cheers!

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